Sloth Baby

Today’s post results from something I saw at work last night.  I was horrified.  

An annoying family walked in.  Not every family that walks in is annoying.  This one was because they basically acted like the store was their house.  They completely ignored me and proceeded to take over the entire store, yelling at each other from across the store, messing up displays, not putting things back where they belong, that sort of thing.  That really ticked me off because it was like, eight thirty and I had already straightened up the store for the night. And these were adults- a mom and a dad, two grandparents, and an aunt and an uncle.  The father looked like a Neanderthal- he was tall and ugly and had a stupid look on his face.  And he was holding the true subject of this post.  Sloth Baby.

This was the first thing I thought when I saw this child.  This was the largest baby I have ever seen.  He couldn’t have been more than eight or so months old, but he was huge.  I guess it was inherited from his jurassic father.  I don’t mean that the kid had a big head, like the “Big Head Baby” in Sarah Dessen’s Keeping the Moon.  No, this was just a huge baby.  I mean, he was the size of a three year old.  I thought he was going to stand up and demand that his dad feed him a pizza.  

The reason why I thought of him as Sloth Baby was because he was fairly oozing down his father.  The kid was just sort of laying all over his dad.  (I think that was because he was too heavy for a human being to carry around for so long.  Why didn’t they get a stroller or something?  The kid had to weigh like, fifty pounds.)  The dad put him down on the floor and let him ooze around on the floor for a while.  I stopped watching when he started drooling.  Oh God.

Here’s the thing.  I never realized that babies could be ugly until I saw Travis and Erin’s daughter, Emma.   That sounds horrible, but let me explain.  Emma is the most beautiful child I have ever seen.  I’m serious.  I held her the day she was born and she came out looking like she had been found in a cabbage patch.  One of Erin’s friends from work asked her if Emma was a c-section baby, Emma was that perfect.  But in the room next door to Erin and Emma was… The Ugliest Baby I Have Ever Seen.  I never saw it in person, but when I visited the hospital website to see a picture of Emma, I saw it.  Oh, Lord, did I see it.  I swear to God it looked like one of the members of the Addams Family.  And the worst thing was that Erin and Travis knew the baby’s parents.  They had to go visit this baby and say how cute it was.  

We’ve had two more babies at our church since Emma, and they’re both beautiful.  Thank God.  Emma set a precedent.   I hope that someday, when I have babies, they’re as cute as Emma.  If not, then all our friends will say, “Well, you know, Emma was cuter.”  And that’s just not fair for any of us.  Anyway.  I’m going to go get ready for my day.  Danielle and I are going to go see an early showing of Serenity with some friends.  I hope none of you have nightmares about Sloth Baby.  Adios,

Brianne <><